Tuesday, 23 July 2013

This is Definitely Not a Joke

In all honesty I deleted my blog on my engagement and created this pregnancy blog in a desperate attempt to make sense of what's happening so quickly in my life. My adult life up to the past year was me bobbing along quite peacefully, not too happy, not too sad with as little drama as I could get away with. In hindsight maybe this is why I felt there was a problem. It didn't seem real, things were too perfect. I mean there was stuff that annoyed me and yearned for, I don't think that ever goes away no matter how happy you are. I didn't believe I was living, a case of "the grass is greener" probably...most definitely. But there's no time to look back on what I could have won only forward with what I have, a sealed fate of bump.

As I sit now rather uncomfortably on this computer chair, I'm looking for ways to make me not want to rip my own spine out. I'm 6 months pregnant. Alas why start a blog on pregnancy when you're so far gone? This came on all of a sudden, I've really had to sort my life out, some of it still isn't even sorted yet. I've lost people I never thought I could ever lose and have basically uprooted myself and planted somewhere with a life I can finally call my own, not bought for me or feel as though I owe anyone anything. I have created myself an entire new life complete with new job, friends, house and, of course, what will soon be a family.

So how about I update you with the past 6 months? Well the first trimester was terrible. I was basically vomiting every single day. Couple that with the mental life-changing choices I had to make it was one of my darkest times. When it came down to it I could never kill one of my own. I'm pro-choice and this was my choice, as usual the hardest path seemed to be the right one. A baby with someone you barely know seems crazy. Maybe I am. Along with the first scan picture came the announcement, came shock, came upset, came people's true colours. The people who show you kindness in your darkest moment are the ones you'll always remember. And the people who don't understand you no matter how much you try and explain yourself? Well - this is one of the many benefits if having a blog. If it can reach out to those people who have turned away from me for whatever reason (and there's a few) then that can only be a good thing.

I've just finished the second trimester in which I found out the sex of the baby. Yes, the blue background I've chosen for this blog indicates that it is, indeed, a boy. Much to the suprise of, well, everyone. Nearly everyone predicted a girl. This baby is full of suprises I'm wondering what's will be next! Currently the baby is having a game of football with my insides. I always wondered what this will feel like, and it is literally like being kicked from the inside. It hurts sometimes if it's a big kick. I have always had names in mind for what I want to call my children. The father to be has taken this naming duty upon himself thus rejecting every name I suggest. The baby is currently unnamed. I find myself asking who is actually giving birth to the baby? 

As you've probably read to the right by my picture I used to play roller derby. This is something else I associate with my old life. I've had mixed reactions to the pregnancy, some of my team mates have offered help and others (mainly the ones who were involved with my personal life) have been somewhat unsupportive. I plan to come back to roller derby in January. Hopefully this won't be another ball ache to add to the accumulating list of ball aches including, splitting up with my fiancĂ© of eight years, signing over the deeds to my house, not being eligible for benefits after applying for just about everything under the sun and seeing ex friends openly show their distaste for me on social networking sites. Drama? I now can't get away from it. 

I finish work in 3 weeks, not that there was much work to begin with. The work is so energetic that they reduced my hours to well under ten a week which is a blessing but also another ball ache given that I now have zero money and have to pay for rent, food, bills etc. Plus, of course, there's the big issue of affording the baby. I've barely bought anything new and have relied upon the good nature of friends and family to give me their unwanted items and point me it the direction of good second hand social networking groups, listings on eBay etc. 

Years I have waited for a summer like this to lounge around in the sun and top up my tan. The baby inside me is radiating so much heat that I feel like I might explode every time I step into the sun. When the weather is muggy my fingers and feet expand so much I have to my rings off and foot wear wise I'm living in flip flops. The heat also makes me really tired so trying to sort what will soon be the nursery of all my stuff is taking a lot longer than I imagined. We moved in only last month and trying to sort the place into a presentable home when you're pregnant is a lot of work, yet another ball ache. I can only do it at my own pace though.

And so this concludes my first big bumpino blog post. Now how much trouble have I caused for myself?